The Spin of the Ball

At work with nothing to do. Where’s the lesson? I want to learn the lesson. Give me the lesson! Is it patience again? I’m not good at that one. Can I please have a different lesson?

There is a lesson on repeat and it is: can you find peace in the present moment? Sometimes I can, but mostly I’m preoccupied.

Perhaps the lessons are on how to use your mind. Use your mind to help you enjoy now. Choose heaven or hell by how you use it. I think there’s a puzzle to be solved in the mind.

I’m most present at work. It’s the only way to get through. My days off are where I struggle because I’m meant to be having a blast. If I’m not having a blast then something must be done. Alcohol or something. Perhaps the solution is not to see free time as better than work time. They are both lesson time. Peace is attainable in both times.

But maybe I want free time to be better than work. Maybe I’m not ready for them to be the same. Maybe I’m not ready for peace.

Where I am. What I’m doing. This is what I need. This is what I need to grow.

Is there something you cannot accept? As long as you cannot accept it, you won’t wake up. This whole thing seems so real, so convincing. But maybe it is only a game. A game where you must see yourself in everyone and everything and to accept what you see. I was watching the NFL the other night and I just couldn’t accept one guy’s face. One of the coaches. But eventually I saw myself in him. I really didn’t want to so it took a while. I can accept his face now.

What does it matter what your life looks like, if it feels bad? You could be looking at the Sistine Chapel and feeling terrible, or you could be sitting in a prison cell, feeling amazing.

I think I’m a writer because I write. Not because I’m considered a writer by others (which I am not). But it’s just a word and it doesn’t really matter. I think the key is to do what I really want to do. If I do this, people may respond to the energy I emit because I am fulfilling my purpose. And when I interact with others at parties or whatever, I will be at ease, knowing that I am fulfilling my purpose. And I will enjoy life.

Finding purpose later in life may seem inconvenient, but it may also be like waiting until you are freezing before stepping into the hot shower. Glorious.