The Spin of the Ball

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  • Post 31: I’m Hot Now

    The Dream: I think I’m getting frighteningly close to figuring it out. By “it” I mean the dream we are all sharing. It’s got to be a dream, right? Maybe I’ll start flying. That’s usually what I do when I realise it’s a dream. But I can only fly for a few seconds before I get kicked out. Perhaps the universe can’t handle a flying person. Maybe we all need to fly together. I think I’d prefer that. And how long would we fly for? With no more lessons to learn, the universe might suddenly seem boring. I guess we’ll just start again. Perhaps a different story this time.

    The Past: Awkward moments once troubled me. I would replay them over and over in my head and try to figure out how I could undo them in my next encounter with that person. Then, suddenly, I became a crazy person who says things like “How do we know the past happened?” “How do I know that awkward moment really took place?” So once the awkward moment is over, I tell myself it might not have happened. It’s like being a magician and dropping smoke pellets and disappearing to a parallel universe where it didn’t happen. It may not work for you but I think it’s true. We don’t know what the heck is going on and we don’t know if anything really happened.

    Hot: I’ve decided I’m hot. Who decides what is hot anyway? I’m doing it. I’m hot and loving the attention. But there’s a catch. Everyone else is hot too. That’s ok, I guess. I promise to see the hotness in you. If we cannot see the beauty in everyone, we may end up like the prince at the start of Beauty and the Beast. The one who turned away that old woman because he didn’t think she was hot enough.

  • Post 30: Smart People

    I sometimes talk for too long. I wonder how many people have asked me a question, hoping for a concise answer, only to hear me waffle on. It haunts me. But hey, maybe I didn’t write the script. Maybe God wrote all those words for me, so that I would get embarrassed. So that I would learn. So that I would realise that I don’t need to get so attached to me, and worry about how others see me. Maybe God wrote this blog through me to console me. To console Him when He thought He was me.

    What kind of world do you want to be in? One where retail staff aren’t allowed to sit down? I suspect the world becomes heaven for you once you allow others to do what you allow yourself to do, and vice versa. Do unto others kind of thing. You might want a more relaxed world, but maybe you’ll only get it when you allow yourself and others to relax. I can’t think of any good examples. When I was in Italy, I noticed people often stood in doorways of cafes. That behaviour is fine for them, but only heavenly if they are ok with other people standing in doorways.

    Smart people. The ones we call smart usually seem miserable. They have been told they have a powerful brain and they’ve decided to try to solve the world’s problems with it. But in order to solve problems, you must look for them. And you will find them. How smart is that?

    I think the smartest people are the ones who have found contentment. That thing that eludes many of us. While they may speak simply and humbly, they are the greatest minds in my book.

  • Post 29: The Candyman

    Improving: My life has really improved since I started writing this blog. I’ve been writing about mind techniques on here, and I figured I might as well use them. “Everything will work out,” “Relax and let the story unfold,” etc. Today I was helped by an Alan Watts quote: “Nirvana is where you are, provided you don’t object to it.” This really worked for me, but different quotes work for different people. I’m just sharing it here because you have opted in. I try not to talk about this stuff at parties because everyone has their own techniques and they might find it annoying to hear about mine.

    Candyman: When I was a kid, lollies were cheap and my parents let me spend all my pocket money on them. One day, when I was about 11 years old, I brought home a cup full of lollies from Target and my parents were quite eager to eat them. This was new behaviour from them. They took a lot and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I threw a tantrum and ran up to my bedroom. My parents went up to my room and asked me if something was happening at school that could explain why I was so unreasonably upset. I said yes, but it was a lie. Everything at school was fine. I only cried because of the lollies.

    Nirvana: Back to “Nirvana is where you are.” You may ask, “Why isn’t it more interesting? Why do I have to go to work for 8 hours a day in Nirvana?” Perhaps that’s what makes it feel more realistic. And perhaps it’s more exciting if you think it might be real. If you were hooked up to a video of the highlights of the universe, perfectly safe, you might figure it out too quickly and get even more bored. Perhaps this is the best God can do. Thank you God.

  • Post 28: Hold On, Let Go

    On holding tension in different places. I don’t hold much tension in my eyes. When I see someone else with tension in their eyes I think, “What the hell are they doing that for?” But I hold my tension in other places. I don’t know where, exactly. Probably my butthole or something. People are likely looking at me and thinking, “Why the hell is that guy holding so much tension in his anus? What an idiot!” Maybe we have to accept the tension. Maybe it’s the thing keeping us here in this world. Keeping us here to learn the lessons. A way of holding on. Maybe when we let go, the universe disappears. I’m not ready for that yet. Where do you hold your tension?

    I bought a set of butt-plugs a few years ago to help reduce tension in my butthole. I highly recommend it. After I got into my drug trouble, my parents had to clear out my apartment, and the butt-plug set mysteriously disappeared. I suppose there is nothing stopping me from buying another set.

    Families on Instagram. How often do you see families in the real world having as much fun as they are on Instagram? I work in a lolly shop. One of the most fun places on Earth. Mostly what I see is arguments. Parents saying no to everything. Kids being annoying. Parents being annoying. Kids pushing boundaries. I would like to see more Instagram posts of families having arguments. Serious facial expressions and stuff. That would entertain me. That would be real.

  • Post 27: Alone in a Cave

    This is the first post I haven’t shared on Facebook. I asked myself: Would Jesus promote His posts? No. Do I think I’m Jesus? Yes.

    I feel like I’m writing a diary, alone in a cave, with some spiritual connection to the rest of the universe.

    “Hi Josh.”

    “Hi, who are you?”

    “I’m Josh. You are my imaginary friend.”

    “Ok, cool. I just want us to get along. Is there anything you need?”

    “Yes. I need you to clean me.”

    “Ok, I’ll get right to it.”

    “And make dinner, you pathetic slave.”

    “Ok, but I thought we were friends.”

    “Yes, ok, just kidding, I’ll make dinner.”

    “What’s for dinner?”

    “Pumpkin soup and olive bread. Now make sure you clean EVERYTHING (wink).”

    “It would be my pleasure.”

    I’ve mentioned my ex-girlfriend before. When I’m not interested in someone in my immediate world, she is the one my thoughts turned to. I don’t think this means anything. I just have fun reliving the memories. Is that pathetic? You can think of me as pathetic if you like. You could call me the most pathetic man alive. I don’t think it would bother me.

    I’m going to mention the mirror idea again. You’re looking at a mirror. Be kind to the mirror and the mirror will be kind to you. But you have to be kind first. Don’t wait for the mirror to be kind to you. That would be too easy. Everyone would be kind to you. Everything would go right for you. You would win the game before it has even begun. You wouldn’t learn anything except for: “I can be the biggest jerk imaginable and everyone is nice to me.” If that’s what you want, then go for it. Maybe the world needs more jerks.

    Looks. Once I stopped caring about my looks I noticed it bothered people who care about their looks. Especially if they looked good. It seemed like they were thinking, “Hey, we’re winning at the looks game and this guy’s not even playing.” I think I’m trying to play the love game and it’s going ok. I’m glad there are still people playing the looks game because I like looking at them.

  • Post 26: Perhaps You Are God, Dreaming

    In 1991, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves was released in cinemas. My mum took me to see it. I was 7 years old and the opening scene where the guy gets his hand cut off really shocked me. One morning I got up and watched Rage and they played the music video of Everything I Do by Bryan Adams, which featured in the movie. I thought Christian Slater and Bryan Adams were the same person and that they were in the movie and also sang the love theme from the movie.

    Sometimes when I travel and meet new people, they get out their phone and film a moment or two. If the camera turns to me I always say, “Hi, remember me?”

    I was at work this morning, feeling a little low, and then suddenly I had a memory of my ex-girlfriend. In this memory, we had only known each other for 10 days. We were going to say goodbye to each other the next day because she was continuing her travels. We were hugging in bed. I was hoping we wouldn’t fall asleep. It was a really intense memory and it was strange to be having it while serving customers in a lolly shop. It made me wonder what kinds of things are on other people’s minds during seemingly banal interactions.

    The memory doesn’t torture me. It makes me smile. It makes me feel grateful that I got to experience a moment worth thinking about 5 years later.

    Whenever I feel good, I like to mark the occasion. I say to myself, “looks like someone’s feeling good,” and then I say, “yep, that’s me.”

    A woman walked into the store today and I was struck by her figure. It seemed like my kind of figure. I helped her find some lollies for some kids she knew. She didn’t say if they were her kids and, using my tact, I didn’t ask. At the end of the transaction, she told me that I have a rare eye colour and that she liked it.

    We live in a universe where there are songs we like and songs we don’t like, and everyone has their preferences. There is no right or wrong song. Similarly, I suspect there is no right or wrong way. There’s just the way God wrote it. And everything He wrote, He was prepared to experience Himself. Perhaps that’s why God allows bad things to happen. Because somewhere in His mind, He wanted to experience it.

    Below is a poem I wrote 5 years ago:

  • Post 25: The Corridor

    My motto for the week and perhaps the rest of my life: Let life happen. Let it unfold. Don’t try to guess what’s going to happen.

    I’ve written some things about finding a wife via this blog. Quite embarrassing. Is my writing good enough to attract a mate? Does it have to be good? I have no idea what I’m doing. For some reason I feel compelled to write about my love life. I sometimes wonder how a guy like me (very weird) could find someone. I guess I’ll find out. Let the story unfold. Don’t hang on to ideas of how I think it should go.

    What’s with all the words? Sometimes I wonder if each word is slowing my progress towards enlightenment. Why can’t I stop? No matter how many words I write, I have a feeling that enlightenment will come on time, just like everything else.

    Sometimes I see an unusual or strained facial expression on someone, and I think, “how can they be doing that with their face for so long? Does it hurt?” So I try the facial expression and it does hurt but I get a sense of how that person is feeling at the time. This is how I’ve learned to become human. Playing with facial expressions. I encourage you to do this if you feel like an alien. Perhaps my future wife will be an alien. There I go again.

    Back to the words and the endless internal chatter. I once took LSD, meditated and tried to silence the internal noise. My mind rendered the voices as an image. A moving image of a corridor with mouths all along the sides, chattering into infinity. I managed to get them all to shut up for a moment. If you want to know what happened next you’ll have to try it for yourself. Words cannot describe the wordlessness.

  • Post 24: Dancing

    The Big Dance: We’re all doing a big dance but each doing different moves. They complement each other. If you tell someone you don’t like their moves, you’re telling God you don’t like The Dance. But hang on, that was part of the dance too. Never mind. Keep on dancing.

    To dance and know you’re dancing. That’s a cool dance. One that others might like to follow. As long as you’re not doing it for the followers. For you, too, are a follower in an infinite loop of leading and following.

    The Movie: I keep thinking, “Is it her?” about almost every woman I meet. All the spiritual teachings seem to indicate that this kid of thinking is unproductive. There’s no point trying to predict the future. I just need to let it unfold. There’s a person I know who is always predicting twists in movies and it kind of ruins it (I’m sure they don’t read this blog). Perhaps it is time to silence my inner version of that voice and let the plot reveal itself. That sounds easier than trying to guess everything. It removes the weight of expectation.

    The Secret: Sometimes I think I’ve figured it out and I’m the only one. But other times I think everyone has figured it out except me.

    Creation: Everything is creating everything. Think about what that means. I don’t know what it means but I want you to think about it. Because I’m thinking about it and I don’t want to be alone. Some call Everything “God”. Let’s say God is Everything. That at some level there is an Everything. An infinite Everything. It can’t go to the hardware store for parts. It is the hardware store. It must have created the universe out of itself. That is why some of us believe that we are all God. Maybe just a small piece of Him. But no piece is more Him than any other.

  • Post 23: Words

    I keep writing words. And I share them on the internet. Why? I have this belief that you’ll get something out of them. You may have had similar words go through your head and it might be nice to read them from someone else. To feel less alone. Because I think we all feel alone to some extent, even if we’re sitting next to someone. Even a loved one. How could they possibly know what I’m going through? This you may think. Perhaps we could talk about this more. Find the words to describe what you are going through. I think that would be fun. I guess that’s why I’m doing this. To feel less alone. To know there is someone else on a computer, reading what I am writing. Realising that we are all going through the same thing. A weird mystery that’s difficult to put into words.

    I learn a bit about words with every post. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, “Oh no, I could have phrased that better.” I think good writing is unambiguous. Precise. Impossible to misread. But it’s hard to write the perfect sentence. And in trying to write the perfect sentence, you can go against your instincts and become inauthentic. For who among us is perfect? Let the imperfections be, I’m beginning to think. If you read my thoughts in a different way than I intend, that’s ok. They’re just words. I think the best things are beyond words.

    Maybe the words have as much meaning as we are willing to give them. Maybe I’m wasting my time with them. But what the heck is time, anyway? I’m sure I’ll never know. I suspect God just made it up so She could write stories that span it.

  • Post 22: By the Beach

    Let’s Dance: I have always wanted to be the centre of attention. There must be people who hate me for this, and that’s fine. I think I can remember when I first realised this. When I was in Grade Prep, we rehearsed a song and dance number called By the Beach (Sha-Na-Nah-Na) to be performed at the Grade Prep to 6 assembly.

    On the day, when it was time, my teacher put on the backing track and I was ready to go. But it turns out I was the only one ready to go. On our entry (“By the Beach!”), it became clear that I was the only one singing and dancing (wearing my mum’s Laura Ashley outfit). The rest of the class were cowering with fear at the back of the stage. I f-ing loved it. My first dance solo. I’ll never have a thrill like it again. I sang out of tune and I danced out of time but I believe I put on the performance of a lifetime.

    Somewhat ironically, I grew to dislike the beach. It’s like the desert and you can’t drink the water. It’s a scary place to be. And the sun. As I’ve come to say: hours of sunscreen, minutes of fun. I’m glad you like it but it’s not for me.

    Beauty Routine: I don’t wash my face with soap. I feel like that dries it out. I’m just a water guy.

    Back to the Beach: There are things that I like about the beach. I like the beach at night time or in winter because there’s nobody there. No screaming or people having fun. I also like the rock pools. I search them for signs of life until someone eventually says, “Ok, let’s go back.” I’ve noticed it’s never me saying that. I could spend a very long time at the rock pools. The ultimate find is the starfish.

    Another cool part about the beach is the beach house. I like to spend most of my time there. I love watching movies at the beach house. Playing video games at the beach house. The best memories are at the beach house. As soon as someone says, “Right, let’s go to the beach!”, I freak out. I just want to stay at the house. The cricket’s on. The beach is just an idea. We don’t need to actually go there.