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I have a confession to make. I haven’t been real with you. It’s the mistake I always make. I’ve been trying to impress you. Like a bird of paradise doing a mating dance. I want to be genuine. So here goes:
The first time I felt sexually aroused was during an episode of Captain Planet, when Linka kissed Wheeler (Ep: “Missing Linka”). I was very confused about the feeling I was having, but very happy that she finally kissed him. He’d been trying so hard.
I often felt scared or awkward watching Degrassi Junior High, where students would work up the courage to ask each other out on dates. I felt terrified for them. How could it be worth it? But then I grew up and started asking girls out all the time. And writing blogs in the hope that a girl would see inside my mind and like it.
I feel the need to write. I guess one has to be interested in something. To play your part in the story of the universe. I’m adding to the giant pile of blogs that no-one reads, like all those books on the bookshelves in Skyrim. They help to flesh out the world. There are main characters, like Taylor Swift and Donald Trump. And then there are minor characters like you and me. Perhaps we will meet some day and no one will care. Except us. And that would make it all the more special. A secret love. What follows is my dating profile.
My name is Josh. I’m 41 years old. I like horror movies. I like sport. I love kicking the football and making it spin. I get inspired by music. I like to dance. I like to be silly. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to pretend to know anything. I like to encourage people. I like to see the positives. I’m enjoying the story so far and I look forward to what happens next.
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Masters of the Universe: I love He-Man and Skeletor. Perhaps I love Skeletor more, because he needs more love. I think He-Man represents the good half and Skeletor represents the evil half of a single being, and the challenge is to love your evil half as much as the good. Have you ever fought evil with love? It’s pretty effective. E.g. being kind to someone who is rude to you. Anyway, I know I’m not saying anything new here. Perhaps they were just trying to sell toys.
Ants: We make movies and games about the mundane nature of office work. Imagine if ants made movies making fun of how they just follow each other.
The Script: When I’m in a conversation, I often think, “Wouldn’t it be funny if someone said…” and since I know no-one is going to say it, I end up saying it, and everyone is like, “What the hell, man!?” and I can’t be bothered explaining. I guess this is the explanation.
What You’ve Got: When I know someone abuses a substance but they’re in a relationship, I always think, “Why don’t you have fun with your partner instead?” But I’ve been in a relationship and I’ve abused a substance. It can make you take the other person for granted, or even see them as an obstacle. Also, once you’re in a relationship you may no longer see them as a mystery. The excitement of: “Who am I going to end up with?” is gone. It’s just them. A burping, farting witchetty grub who’s not wearing the sexy makeup and who ties her hair up in a bun which makes her look like she’s wearing a helmet. There’s the saying, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. But some people do know what they’ve got. They are gods among us. Something to aspire to. Maybe I can start right now. What have I got? I’ve got me. I’ve got Josh. And I promise to love him and care for him because one day…
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Fun: I recently discovered that you can have fun in lots of situations. I always thought home is the fun place and work is the serious place. But I know I can have fun at work. I’ve done it. Maybe you can have fun anywhere. I would say to tone it down at a funeral.
The Battle: Sometimes, though, I forget that I can have fun at work. Things get a bit dull. When that happens, I imagine that I’m Rocky and every dull moment is an Apollo Creed jab to the face. If Rocky can stay standing, why can’t I? Well, I can. Then I get inspired by my own endurance. How am I doing this? Wow, look at me go, taking these punches. Look at my face.
The Zone: You can see in the players’ eyes who is going to win the contest. You can see fear in the eyes of the losers. You see something else in the eyes of the winners. The look that says, “I’m in the zone.” I believe it starts with the eyes.
I don’t play sports but I still would like to be in the zone at life. I want to be in the zone when I say “hello” and “how are you?” and for people to think or say, “wow, he really nailed that,” and “did you see his eyes?”
The Ascendence: I believe I have reached a new level of consciousness. I got some secret knowledge. Sorry, I promised God I wouldn’t tell. Don’t worry, She’ll tell you some too. She said it’ll be different to mine and if we try to share it we’ll get into an argument, so let’s just keep it to ourselves and enjoy the show.
Hard Times: When I fall on hard times, it’s usually because there’s a voice inside telling me I’m not doing it right. I’m not watching the right movie, I’m eating too many BBQ Shapes. But of course, there is no right way to do it, right? We’re just doing it the way we’re doing it, just as the sun and the moon. In fact, we might not be doing it at all. It might be doing us. Maybe we just get to watch. Hopefully you’re into that.
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Sports: I watch a lot of sport. Australian Football, American Football, cricket. Sometimes you just decide that you don’t like a team, or you don’t like a guy. Maybe his face looks too smug or something like that. He looks like the kind of guy you wouldn’t get along with. As for women’s sports, every player is beautiful.
Toilet Machine: When I was 5 or 6 I heard around the schoolyard that a kid called Benjamin had built some kind of Toilet Machine. This was interesting to me. That night, I was jumping on the trampoline and I started yelling out to the neighbourhood that it was, in fact, I who had built the toilet machine. Not Benjamin. I yelled for some time. My parents did not intervene. That is something I like about my parents. They just let me go crazy and learn from it.
Celebration: Back to sports, there’s this thing in American football where the players do rehearsed celebrations after a score. It always looks strange to me. I prefer it when the players do a genuine celebration in the moment. A fist pump. A jump in the air. But if my time in the universe has taught me anything, it’s acceptance. Accept or become constipated. I shall accept these rehearsed celebrations.
The Moment: I love when people sense The Moment. When it’s the moment to sing or dance, in private or in public. They just go for it. Do a little dance solo on the train, if the moment strikes you. Sure, you’ll get some looks, but only from miserable people who wish they could do the same.
I used to do shows where it was all rehearsed, and sometimes on the night of the performance, I just wasn’t feeling it. I had to force it. And the audience had to force themselves to watch. Unless they had an aisle seat.
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Online Dating: Due to my appearance and messaging style, I’m not having much success on the dating apps. In fact, I haven’t been on a date in over 2 years. I used to worry, “Did I say too much in my opening message?”, “Am I being too weird?” Now I absolutely don’t think that. If she doesn’t accept me for being me in that moment, it was never meant to be.
Memories: I still think about my ex-girlfriend. Some really good memories. But I’ve also been thinking, “What if I find someone even more suitable?”
Tactics: Whenever something awkward happens, I tell myself it’s just backstory. Backstory of the character I have just started playing. It didn’t happen to me. It happened to the one who was playing me moments before. Poor guy, that must have been awkward. Now it’s my turn to take the controls.
Why do I have all these tactics for life? Well, I’m not very good at it. I’m not a natural. I wasn’t born to live, like some of you. Perhaps I was born to try.
Is This the Real Life?: You have to admit, reality is very convincing. They really nailed it. I hardly ever find myself wondering if it’s fake, except for the time I was explaining simulation theory to my parents. I explained that there are all these little details, like traffic noise and birds chirping to keep you convinced that the simulation is real. In that moment, all the birds stopped chirping and my parents got scared.
The Show: When someone is boring me, I try to imagine them under a spotlight, on a stage, reciting a script that I wrote. I then start thinking, “How believable is this performance? Would a real person say this?” I’m still not sure what “real” means, but I’m happy to pretend.
Creating a Universe: There’s all this stuff we don’t know and the scientists are on to it. But what if it’s not happening the way we think? What if the scientist, looking through her microscope, represents God asking Herself a question about the universe She created? The scientist looks closer, God makes up an answer.
I wonder about this because I have created a universe in my mind. Every night, when I go to bed, I travel to this other universe. There, I talk to my imaginary friend, Guybrush Threepwood. Whenever we encounter some aspect of the universe we haven’t considered before, we make something up. So I wonder if God does that too.
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Video Games: I love fantasy video games, with elves and orcs and humans and loot. I’m currently playing an old one called Dragon Age: Inquisition (2014). I almost always play with a bow and arrow or a sword and shield. I never, ever use magic. I like to fight against it but I can’t wield it. Perhaps this is why I couldn’t get into Harry Potter. As usual, I’ve been over-analysing my aversion to magic. Does it represent my feeling of powerlessness? Have I not found my own super power yet? Well, I’m sure you guys don’t care so I’ll move on.
The Mirror: I like to think of the universe as a mirror. It shows you you from a different time or a different angle and your task is to forgive what you see in the mirror. If you don’t, you won’t be able to forgive yourself. You might see a version of you from 15 years ago, behaving as you used to. If you can’t accept what you see in the reflection, you might not be able to accept yourself.
And maybe the mirror is a reflection of how you feel about yourself.
The Picture: Perhaps God walks among us. Perhaps He is you (sorry for using He). Perhaps He forgot who He is. Perhaps He painted a picture so real, it fooled even Him.
Gregory’s Girl: When I was younger, my parents rented a movie called Gregory’s Girl. It was about a young man named Gregory who seemed to have a selection of girls to choose from. There was a line from one character: “So, who is Gregory’s Girl?” At a young age, I thought this Gregory to be rather unremarkable. Why did he have so many girls to choose from? Do I sound jealous?
Even if I find Joshua’s Girl, I know it won’t be the end. Perhaps I won’t find what I am seeking until I realise I was looking for the search.
Genesis: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was:
“God?”
“Who said that?”
“I don’t know. Who said that?”
“Me.”
“Oh, nice to meet you. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Should we make something up?”
“Sure.”
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Enlightenment: I’m interested in enlightenment but I also like thinking. Some thoughts are helpful so I try to have those. I don’t really know how thinking works. Perhaps I can think my way to enlightenment. I think I’ve done it a few times. Sometimes when I’m bored at home or at work I remember to appreciate the present moment. I get right into it and it feels magical. As though I’m fully appreciating the miracle of existence. Or maybe I’m going crazy. Do you guys do stuff like this too?
Monkey: On my first day of school I thought I was Monkey from the TV show, “Monkey!” I thought I had special powers. I thought I could erase the lines on the basketball court to disrupt the students’ games. I didn’t talk to anyone for the first few months.
Offence: I’m trying not to take things personally. If someone says something rude to me in the store, I see it as a test. I just let it pass through me and I smile and sometimes laugh about it later. When I pass the test, I feel invincible. Like I have nothing to hide. Nothing to protect.
Dialogue:
“Oh that’s right, I can talk to you. Thank God, I thought I was going to be alone all day. How are you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Good.”
“Is it?”
“I think so.”
“What would you like to do now?”
“I’d like to write a blog post.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think she’s reading it?”
“Who?”
“The one you want to read it.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know who she is. Sometimes I think I know, but it was Green Day who said, ‘It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.’ She could be anyone.”
“What about your relationship with me?”
“I’m sure she won’t mind. Perhaps, as our relationship gets stronger, she comes closer. Perhaps she will be an external representation of my internal relationship. I like to believe things like that.”
“Have you finished the blog post yet?”
“Yes.”
The Spin of the Ball 