The Spin of the Ball

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  • Post 9: The Big Dream

    Empathy for Strangers: As I get older, I find it easier to feel empathy for strangers. I spend most of my time indoors playing video games but when I go to work, I’m suddenly surrounded by strangers. I never used to think about them, but now I am able to remind myself that they have feelings. A whole range of feelings. I think to myself, “Man, some of these people might be really pissed off”. So I take care.

    Fear: Do you ever get that feeling in your stomach like something is coming to get you? Like the Tax Office or someone you had a slightly awkward interaction with 23 years ago? I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.

    Time: Sometimes people tell me that it’s too early in the day for my conversation topics, or they need to have a few drinks first. I finally know how they feel. The other day I was talking to myself and I brought up the topic of time. I had to tell myself to stop because I just wasn’t ready for it.

    Dreams: When you dream, you create a universe. It can be quite compelling at first but eventually you realise it doesn’t make sense. You made the whole thing up. Then you wake up. To what? Reality or another dream? This is the kind of thing people ask me to stop talking about.

    Relationships: As I have mentioned, I would like to be in a relationship with another person. I wonder what people are looking for. Here’s what I think: Patience, curiosity and calm during a crisis. I don’t think anyone wants to be with someone who gets angry during difficult times. I used to get angry when I couldn’t find my keys. An ex-girlfriend hid them once so she could watch me get angry. That’s a fond memory.

    The Universe: “Yes, there was this big bang and stuff went everywhere and it was rocks and gas and then this thing randomly emerged called life. It all makes sense, you see.” And they keep telling me it makes sense and that it can all be explained. I’m not so sure anymore. I’d rather entertain all the possibilities. Perhaps the big bang is a metaphor for God’s mind splitting. Perhaps you are God dreaming. Perhaps God is a computer, simulating time. Perhaps it is impossible to know. Perhaps it’s too early for this kind of thing.

  • Post 8: The Pretender

    Pretending: “How are you?” I ask myself. The answer is always, “I don’t know”. There are few things that offer more relief than admitting, “I don’t know”. If I try to make up an answer like “good” or “not great”, I get an uneasy feeling, as though I’m lying. How could I possibly know how I am? So I say I don’t know. But it’s nice to be asked.

    “How are you?”

    “I don’t know, thanks for asking.”

    If a person asks me at a social event, I will make something up, to keep the whole charade going. The charade where we all pretend to know things. It’s fun. If I say “I don’t know” in response to everything, people will stop talking to me. You guys are making it up too, right?

    Eternity: I like to imagine life is a movie that goes forever. You sit back and watch your character go through various trials. Sometimes you get involved. Sometimes you sit back and laugh.

    Do you think you can handle forever? I think you can. The alternative may be a black screen where nothing happens. Nothing. Perhaps life should be called Better than Nothing. How much better could be up to you and me.

    The Thing: When you’re young, you don’t know there’s a Thing. And you think that maybe you know something. Or a lot of things. But once you know The Thing, you wonder why nobody told you. And then you realise, perhaps with some trying, that you can’t tell The Thing to anyone else. And then you wonder if you really know it.

    The Ball: I may have mentioned that I kicked the footy a lot with my brother. We had a saying. “Honour the kick”, which meant that if someone kicks the ball to you, well or not, you do your best to catch it. You catch the ball to complete the process. You could kick the most amazing drop punt, but if the receiver doesn’t catch it, it just bounces away, pathetically. You catch it to make it look good. Perhaps  there’s a metaphor in that. As usual, I don’t know.

  • Post 7: The Power of Greyskull

    Coping with Loss: He-Man was a cartoon and a series of action figures in the 80’s. I loved it. I lost two of my figurines in tragic circumstances. Skeletor got sucked down the drain. I remember grasping helplessly at his bright blue form as he swirled into the void. Mosquitor was the other figure. His stomach would fill up with blood if you pressed a button on his back. I loved him. I lost him at Healesville Sanctuary. We searched for a while. I don’t think I cried but deep down I knew it was a big loss. It was the kind of thing you write a blog about much later in life.

    As usual, it reminds me of my ex-girlfriends. Were they my favourites only because I lost them? If they were still in my world would I take them for granted? Would I let the connection fade? If I truly loved Mosquitor, would I not have held on tighter?

    Holding On: I’ve heard it said that life is a stream that you float down. Sometimes it’s calm, sometimes there are rapids, but you keep flowing down it. Until you hold on to something, like a branch or a rock. Suddenly you are uncomfortable. Your hand hurts from the holding, the water is splashing all over. Eventually you let go and wonder why you were holding on. I’m holding on to some things and some ones. Now that I’ve written this down I think it’s time to let go. See you at the end of the stream.

    Arts & Crafts: I learned very late that you must mean what you sing. You must understand the words and they must mean something to you. When I was having lessons, I just wanted to make noise. Efficient, beautiful (?) noise. I was learning the craft. I may as well have been making a shoe. Interesting to watch at first but not for two hours. I think people want art from a singer. They want to feel something from the beyond. I sing for fun now and I’ve left some below. Let me know if I’ve made a shoe.

  • Post 6: Glad to Be

    Are You OK?: I like to ask myself, “how are you?”. I answer as honestly as possible. It’s nice to know someone’s listening. I always listen to what I tell myself. I never drift off while I’m listening to me. I only realised this recently. That I’m my friend. Perhaps I’ll buy myself a gift. I would love that.

    Welcome to the Universe: When the despair creeps in I like to pretend I’ve just arrived in the universe. That the past is an illusion and suddenly I’m here, doing what I’m doing for the very first time. Every day at work becomes my first day at work. Suddenly I’m glad to be where I am. I’m glad to be. Sometimes I let out a chuckle at how great it feels to exist, or I do a little dance to celebrate the miracle. In those moments I feel like I’ve found my way into life. No longer holding onto the edges, afraid of the fall.

    Love: It seems everyone knows this and it seems we all forget. That the love that sustains you is your love for yourself. I think I’m making progress. I remind myself that I’m always there for me, that I would never judge me, that I understand me.

    Smell This: I work in a place filled with things that smell nice. I love selling the products and saying “smell this” to customers, to help convince them to buy. I think you have to say it in exactly the right way or else it can get awkward. You really have to want them to smell it because you know they’ll enjoy it. I like the challenge. And it works. When they smell it, they buy it.

    Childhood memories: Around the age of 8, I used to walk to school with another kid. I can’t remember his name. I do remember he had 4D Boxing on his home computer. We played it. Being an idiot, I thought, “Wow, this is what 4D looks like”.

    I used to get invited to other kids’ houses after school. I would accept the invitation and ask them if they had a computer. We would play the computer, and after a while they would want to play outside. I always found this confusing. The computer was so fun and outside was not. I usually kept playing the computer. Sometimes the parents would intervene and say that the computer needed to cool down. I was rarely invited back a second time.

  • Post 5: Tale as Old as Time

    The Blog: I’ve been working weekends for the last 3 years so I rarely see friends. This blog is my attempt to socialise.

    Wonder: There’s a question I didn’t think to ask until my 30’s. It’s “What’s going on?” As a kid it seemed like my parents and teachers knew and they were teaching me about it. But how did they know? I’ve noticed some people don’t like talking about this but I love it. To initiate a conversation with me on this simply ask: What if the universe is a dream?

    The Beast: I watched Beauty and the Beast last night. I’ve seen it many times. It was one of four VHS cassettes I had growing up (the others were Aladdin, The Jungle Book and Ablett: One Special Season). This movie feels relevant to me. Like the Beast, I spend most of my days secluded in a castle. I think the message of the film is to stay in your castle until a beautiful woman comes along looking for her dad, falls in love with you and lifts the curse.

    This is my plan. To sit and wait. If she never comes, I shall remain a beast forever. That’s ok. I like being a beast.

    Party: I’m going to a party. My third one of the year. I’m excited. I bought an outfit in preparation. For a while I decided to wear tracksuits to everything. I wanted to be comfortable at parties. Now I’ve realised that the point is to be uncomfortable at parties. For the occasion. For each other. I get it now.

    Spirituality: I’m extremely spiritual. The girls on Hinge find it “exhausting”. I get these thoughts in my head that seem interesting but I’m never sure if they’ll make sense to anyone else. Now that I have a blog I’ll share the latest one:

    If you want the trains to run on time, be thankful for the train that is late.

  • Post 4: Rocky

    Yo Adrian: I watched the Rocky fight scene again. Maybe the 20th time this year. My favourite parts are:

    1. Round 1 before the music starts. It looks like a real fight. Rocky takes many punches to the head and the commentators mention it. I try to imagine it happening in real life and I think to myself, “This fight should never have been staged! An amateur versus the best in the world? It’s irresponsible!”

    2. When the music starts and the woman holds up the round numbers, dressed as the statue of liberty, painted silver. It’s genius. When the trumpets come in I get a very intense feeling inside.

    3. When the fight is over and a gentle piano motif plays. Apollo says, “Ain’t gonna be no rematch,” and Rocky says, “Don’t want one.” Then the final theme plays, with bongo drums, and members of the media swarm the arena. Adrian fights her way into the ring and says, “I love you,” to which Rocky responds, “I love YOU.”

    It gets me every time. It reminds me of a scene with my ex-girlfriend. While she is long gone, she helped me understand the love feeling. Now I feel like Rocky in the ring with both my eyes swollen, calling out for Adrian. I think she is on her way. Yo Adrian, hurry up!

    Making Amends: I’ve done some unkind things in my life. Things I’ll probably never tell you. Perhaps there are some things you aren’t telling me. That’s fine. I used to think, “How can I possibly be forgiven?” But then I think, if a jerk suddenly started being kind to me, I would probably forgive them. Perhaps it’s never too late to be kind.

    The End: When I find myself in a boring scenario, I like to imagine it’s the last thing I’ll ever see. Suddenly it seems interesting. I don’t take it for granted anymore. I’ll be on a train carriage, looking around at all the people on their phones. They don’t know. I’m the only one who knows the universe is ending.

  • Post 3: The Gorilla

    The Ball: I named this site after my favourite aspect of Australian football. The way the ball spins. When I was younger I kicked the ball nearly every day with my brother. We got the ball spinning. I won’t bore you with the details but I think if you can control how the ball spins, you can do some pretty cool things.

    I like to watch football. I go for Geelong but I never watch the games live. It’s too stressful. I check the internet to see if Geelong has won, and if they have, I watch the game. I enjoy a leisurely victory with absolutely no frustration and very little excitement.

    The Gorilla Thing: I was reading that a gorilla penis is typically 3-6cm long. I thought it would be bigger. Anyway, I thought I was turning into a gorilla in 2021. I scared some people. I climbed trees in Fitzroy Gardens, beating my chest when I reached the top. Some people looked on and laughed. Others yelled at me to come down; that it was dangerous.

    When I was a boy I told my mum I wanted to be a gorilla when I grew up. She laughed and explained that it wasn’t possible. I guess she was right. Or was she?

    You could say I went insane. I’m pretty comfortable with that description. I thought I was a gorilla. I thought I was the special one. The main character of the story. Now I’m happy to be just as special as everyone else.

    Movie Review: Today I watched the movie, Girl, Interrupted (1999). I absolutely loved it. It made me want to spend time in a mental health facility, making interesting friends, swapping medication, etc. My favourite scene is when the patients go on an excursion to an ice cream shop and say inappropriate things.

    Talking to Myself: I work in a shop. During the slow periods I start talking to myself. Mostly uplifting things as well as some unhinged stuff about time and God. I find that stuff really interesting and the time flies. Maybe I’m not the only one. I suspect everyone has their own way and their own words when it comes to understanding the universe.

    Weight Gain: I’m getting fat. The winter clothing has hidden it but now it’s spring and my time is up. Soon I’ll have to start wearing T-shirts, revealing my chrysalid form. I don’t mind being fat. I feel jolly.

    Cat: I have a cat. I’ve always been scared of cats but one day last year I adopted a 6 year old cat. I thought it would make me better with women. It hasn’t but we are getting along well. I was asked at the shelter, “are you sure you don’t want a nicer cat?”. I said no. She is very traumatised and very annoying but we’ve made progress. For example, I can now pick her up without her writhing around. Her name is Spook.

    Maybe one day a woman will take me in, like I did with Spook. I’ve been in the shelter for a while.

  • Post 2

    Hello: I woke up this morning hungover. It’s my day off. I walked down to the train station to get a Juice Monster. I’m drinking it now as I write.

    Popularity: I recently re-watched a movie called The Craft (1996). There’s a scene where the popular girl loses her hair and in the same instant, her popularity and friends. It made me think. When I first shaved my head and accepted my baldness in 2012 my girlfriend-at-the-time started crying.

    Despair: In moments of despair I often forget that my best friend is always here:

    “Hello best friend, how are you?”

    “I’m in despair”

    “Do you think you’ll be ok?”

    “Yeah, I suppose so.”

    Cringe: I sometimes look back on moments in my life and I cringe. I’ve noticed that if I face up to the memory and let it hit me, I don’t cringe as hard the next time it comes up. Eventually there is no cringing at all. Just a smile at how silly I was.

    Indigestion: I ate a loaf of bread for dinner two nights ago, got indigestion and couldn’t sleep so I decided to finally watch Empire Records. Quite good considering I didn’t watch it in my formative years. A really fun movie. I can’t think of anything insightful to say except that 30% of the movie seems to be Renee Zellweger’s legs.

    Conversations: I drank some tequila the other night and had the following conversation with myself:

    “I’m sorry I haven’t said this before but I find you really interesting.”

    “Thank you, my love. I feel the same way. May we keep growing.”

    “Thank you for the sentiment. What would you like to do now?”

    “Video games.”

    An Acquaintance to Remember: I had an acquaintance. He despises me now. It’s totally understandable due to my actions. My first reaction was negative. Sort of like, “Oh, you despise me? Well then, I’m going to despise YOU!” Over time I have decided I’m completely cool with him. If he wants to be my acquaintance again, he is most welcome. This has made me feel a lot better. I didn’t realise how much it had been affecting me. My posture has changed. If you’re reading this, Pat, I love you.

    Enlightenment: I’ve been reading about enlightenment. No thinking. I like the idea, but I think a lot and I seem to enjoy it. Sometimes, as I’m reading, I feel like I could let go, stop thinking and the universe would disappear as though it never were. But I like being caught up in the story of the universe. I like to take it seriously sometimes. I’m going to keep thinking for a bit longer.

  • Post 1

    Hello and welcome to my blog. I bought a $300 office chair. An $800 laptop. I’d like to share some thoughts with you.

    Quotes: There are some useful quotes out there. Some of them may ring true. Others may infuriate. Perhaps your job is to find the little bit of truth in everything.

    My Love: I’ve started talking to myself. I find it useful. Sure, I could simply think my thoughts but they get a bit disorganised. If I say them out loud, things become a bit clearer. And also, if I talk to myself, I have a friend. Maybe a best friend. I have been getting along quite well with myself lately. I came up with the idea of referring to myself as “my love”. As in, “how are you today, my love?” I get a nice feeling from it.

    Life is a Drug: What does life feel like? I like this question. I can’t answer it in words. I am left to simply feel how it feels. It may sound cliché to say life is a drug. And it seems many of us are pretending we’re not high.

    Cinema: My favourite movie of all-time is Rocky. I first watched it as a 13 year old with my childhood friend Matthew. You may remember the Blockbuster Video days of 5 weeklies for $10. We were bored by the dialogue and skipped to the final fight. However, as an adult, I am engrossed by the entire film. Every scene is interesting. The lesson I have learned from the movie is that you don’t have to win at life. You don’t have to impress anyone. You just have to survive 15 rounds with Apollo Creed and you get the girl. I feel like I’m up to round 7. As for the girl, she could be me. The one I have been longing to find.

    Rock Bottom: When you see other people hitting rock bottom, you may think, “Wow, their life is totally ruined. What a waste.” But when it’s happening to you (and it has happened to me), it’s quite liberating. No one expects anything from you anymore. Anything you do after The Incident is a pleasant surprise.

    The Journey: I used to think life was against me. I used to tally up all the things it was doing to me and use it as evidence. Now I believe life is for me and it likes to test me every now and then. And I like the tests. I think life would be boring without the tests.

    Dress: I watch movies where the characters sometimes criticise each others’ suits and ties. This is funny to me. I have no idea what a good suit or tie is and I wonder how anyone else knows.

    I have been wearing a very dirty jacket, similar to what a homeless person might wear. The other night, a woman on Chapel St told me she had a house down the street if I needed a place to stay. I thought this was a sign to switch to my nicer jacket and the next night a woman looked at me as though she was interested. I don’t think I’d experienced that for at least 5 years. Things are looking up.